a sense of smell

How lovely it would be to smell again. Olfactory nerves, it's hard to believe I took them so for granted. Now that I cannot smell lilacs, garlic, spring, or even the sweat on my husband, I miss so much. Feeling so sorry for myself and the list of other problems I could have doesn't make it any more manageable. I have been optimistic for over two months. Now I am impatient. The allergies seem under control. What the fuck is wrong?

It is like going deaf (although I'm sure not as bad) but anyway, the analogy, is that if I had gone deaf, I could still speak but I wouldn't know how I sounded. For me, I can still eat, and I can imagine that something tastes good, but in reality...I have no fucking clue. This is a huge part of the enjoyment of life. It's a huge part of sexual desire, pheromones. It's a huge part of the exhilaration of spring, that rush of air full of smell.

Lately I have been having sense memory rushes of smoking. As if now that all the things of my life that are missing have to be conjured in my imagination to be experienced, why not cigarettes. At least my subconscious must think this. My conscious self is too busy being mad at my brain for imagining this.

If only I could just give up eating altogether so at the very least I could lose weight along with the lost smell.